He Heard My Heart
Some days are just hard, and this one was a particularly tough one for me. I was on my way to church and I was in deep pain. The day prior I was confronted by someone, apologized to, and reminded of a gut wrenching thing that was said about me. Not about my character, not about something I’d done, but about the color of my skin. It wasn’t the first time, nor do I think it will be my last, but it was different this time and I couldn’t help but just fall to my knees and weep uncontrollably once I was able to be alone. Back to my drive to church, I had a typical routine. I would get there an hour early, set up most of the rooms, get the audio system to magically work, and prepare a “speech” for my mentor/pastor to coach me through. But I couldn’t do it. I knew that just the opening of my mouth would cause me to break down again. So I texted my pastor, told him I couldn’t do the normal speech, and he asked if I was okay. I’d like to say I didn’t respond because I was a good driver who would never break the law, but I just wanted to wait to see him in person.
So I get to the church, I start to set up a room, and he walks in and asks me if I’m okay. In a rather melancholy tone I replied “Yeah kinda,” but he knew something was off. So he asked me again, drew closer, I looked him in the eye, and a single tear fell down my cheek. I began to tell him the story of what went down, who I had talked to about it, and how I was feeling (in the best way I could at the time). The first thing he did was apologize, hug me, and start to pray for me. He prayed for my peace, my aching heart, the others involved, and for God to make himself known and uniquely meet me in that moment. I felt seen. After the prayer he once again apologized, gave me grace in my responsibilities for the day, and humbly said, “I don’t know how to help you with this because nobody has ever done anything like this to me because of my race, but I’m gonna make sure I get people who have gone through this and have a better idea of how to counsel you through this”. I was honestly dumbfounded. Not because this was out of character or surprising because it came from him, but because he realized where he may be out of his wheelhouse, assured me that he would do everything in his power to help me, and was willing to just hear why I was hurt and what the state of my heart was at that moment. I knew at that moment that he loved me fully not just as my boss, but as a fellow image bearer who was mourning and willing to share and carry the burden with me. He wasn’t the only person who helped me through this, this is just one who I wanted to highlight. Maybe because he was my first ever church mentor, maybe because he was the first person at my church I told, or maybe because he was someone who I hope to model my life after in large part because of this moment. If my pastor whose aim in life is to love God and love others well is caring for me well, how much more does Jesus care for my aching soul? When I grieve, his heart grieves with me. When I’m in pain, he shares my pain with me. Because the very heart of Jesus is one that is tender, compassionate, gentle, yet strong enough to uphold everyone in his mighty arms.
So, friend, take heart. Whether you’ve gone through horrific tragedy that was only amplified by others who failed to show genuine kindness and Christlike love towards you, or you’ve had some truly Godly people who’ve consoled you in the darkest of nights, know that there is a God who delights in uplifting the tired and weary at heart. Not because you’ve done a lot of good things. Not because you’re deserving of it. Not because you dedicate your life towards worthwhile endeavors. But because Christ in his purest form longs to save sinners and suffered like you and I so that we could experience the sweetest of joys, richest of blessings, and all of them being found in one place: Jesus Christ. May you look at God and see nothing but infinite beauty for all your days.
And thank you, Joe, for modeling what it means to be formed by God in both word and deed.
Sincerely,
Your favorite intern