The Depths of a Soul

The human soul is infinitely deep. It’s full of wonder, beauty, creativity, sorrow, melancholy, and the likeness of God. We as image bearers of God are able to live and experience the full expression of a life lived in both joyful communion with God as well as suffer the consequences of a world that lives in direct rebellion to God and His word. And the consequence is having souls that desperately cry out to God to fix the brokenness of the world. Recently, there’s been a lot to cry out for.

From the most recent school shooting in Uvalde, Texas where twenty one people were gunned down in an elementary school, the recent findings in the Southern Baptist Convention of sexual abuse being swept under the rug for the sake of protecting the leaders while the cries of the victims go unheard, or even the continued violence happening in Russia and Ukraine. Or maybe this year’s just been hard for you individually like it has been for me. 

You’re not sure where you lost your way, but the path back to God seems everything but clear. When you look at the life around you, you wonder if God has even been with you at all. Whether it be because of losing someone you genuinely loved, lack of satisfaction with the life stage you’re in, or simply losing hope because it seems like God never shows up anyway.

I would love to tell you that there are better days ahead. In some ways that is a true statement, the kingdom of God is one day closer to being an infinite reality to be seen before our very eyes, we are one day closer to uniting with Jesus and fleeing from the sin and pain of this world, and one day closer to experiencing bliss for eternity. But the other reality is living in the tension of the already but not yet. We live in a world full of beauty yet brokenness because of the sins of others and ourselves. Sins that have lasting impacts on the world around us that make it that much harder to have hope in the midst of darkness. But here’s what I want to remind you of: God is here. He may not show up in the way you expect, he may not show up in the way you would like him to, he may even feel silent, but trust that God is present because “…The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18). God is able to withstand life’s heaviest moments with you and provide His divine goodness to aid you in your walk of life. He will carry the burden alongside by telling you to, “take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt 11:28-30). May these words aid you as you build the muscle of learning to love and lean on God, but most importantly, may God meet you in the middle moments of your life and provide you the strength to meet Him, enjoy Him, and experience His love like you never have before.

HIS FAITHFULNESS

The past year has been a bit of a doozy for me. A lot of changes and unmet expectations left me tired and worn out at the end of most days. Lack of motivation for nearly any and all reasons left me looking out at all the ways I could have been better or done better. Somehow I still blamed God for my own apathy in life. I questioned His goodness, His love, and His grace. Despite the reality being that He carried me through the toughest season of my life just last year.

In the middle of the pandemic, I lost one of my grandmothers. She was a woman who helped raise me, feed me, clothe me, and love me with an unconditional love that only a grandparent can provide. A love that’s easy, not so troublesome or riddled with the everyday conflicts or interruptions like with a parent. 

But losing my grandmother was one of the worst days of my life. Yet God was there. In me, with me, standing by me, and guiding me day by day as I would navigate what it meant to live in a world without one of the fondest people in my life. 

Just four years prior my parents divorced and that was one of the most defining moments I’ve ever experienced. At the root of every kid's dream (and adult), is to see your parents live together happily ever after. And even though I had a hunch this may happen, hearing the words and seeing it played out between my two favorite people was entirely different.

Yet at the same time, God was introducing me to a new church and community of people that would be the very thing to lift my soul in its weariest moments. He was illuminating the scriptures in new ways that I had never seen, he was speaking to me in prayer seemingly every time we met, and it was beautiful. In the middle of one of my greatest sorrows, God met me and stood alongside me. God didn’t take away the pain, the hardships, or even the tears shed, but He did show that there was no moment in my life that He would ever leave me, and that was the balm my heart so desperately needed.

Through these experiences and countless others, God never failed to show up. Time and time again the faithfulness of God stood tall and true, it simply took open eyes, a clear heart, and the Spirit of God to reveal to me that He had been there all along. 

Maybe you’re in a similar spot, searching for God and not sure what to do next. The best advice I could give you is to simply be still, take a deep breath, and begin to count the things you’re grateful for. It could be as simple as being grateful for having breath in your lungs, delighting in the comfort of the warmth the sun provides, or appreciating that you have another moment to turn to God for either the first time or the hundredth time and He still loves you as deeply as He did from the first moment you placed your trust in Him. 

Over time, your heart will become one with God and His faithfulness will become as clear as the sky on a warm sunny day in the middle of June. Let today be the day your heart shines with light because of your remembrance for God.

SPACE FOR SORROW AND JOY

Living in the middle of sorrow and joy is no stranger to me. My natural state of being leans towards melancholy and a constant state of reflection tied in with a strong desire to see others happy. The only way I know to evoke happiness in others is to share a good meal over good conversation and to crack jokes. In most social environments I’ll be kinda loud, kinda rambunctious, but it is NOT my natural state, it’s just the way I found to both please others and have a good time.

Much of this was a projection of trying to avoid pain or heartache, because you can’t feel sad if you’re laughing, right? Or so I thought. 

In my past and even still now my natural tendency is to avoid feelings of sorrow if at all possible. Leaving me both emotionally stunted and spiritually weakened each passing day I refuse to acknowledge the inner workings of my heart. Because while I acknowledge that the best path forward is to navigate my emotions and find the root of why I feel what I feel, I get intimidated. Because what if at the end of it all, I find that it’s not my circumstances, it’s not my experiences, it’s simply me not believing that Jesus is enough for me? Maybe you’ve thought this or maybe you haven’t, but that's what ran through my head.

In the midst of it all I failed to acknowledge that God could use my emotions to dive further into the heart of God. I assumed my sorrow was too heavy or was a sign of unbelief rather than just a normal human reaction to when hard things happen. It was when I opened up the Psalms that I had realized what it meant to both trust God and feel deep sorrow because of the burdens of life. Out of the 150 psalms in the Bible, 60 of those are psalms of lament. Another way to say this is 40% of the psalms are of lament. So I began to think. If God loved David and accepted his lament, why wouldn’t he accept mine? And it’s not to say that all I ever felt was sorrow and loss, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that when I did experience this that it was wrong.

If you feel as though you’re in sin or disobedience due to experiencing sorrow, know that God hears you and is not bothered by your emotions. God is deeply invested in making you a person of deep joy and contentment, it just may be that experiencing lament along the way is the path God has chosen for you.

PRAYER

God, do you hear me? When the world turns dark and my prayers seem to keep hitting the ceiling, do you still hear me? Will you love me even when my heart begins to fade and falter because of the pain in my life? Will you hold me near when all I seem to keep doing is pushing you away? God, I know you’re good, just please remind me through your love, grace, and unending mercy. To the Father, from the Son, and by The Spirit that I pray. Amen.