A Year Since You’ve Been Gone
Feb 17th, 2021: one of the worst days of my life. It came in the middle of the snowmageddon in the great state of Texas when my beloved grandmother passed away. Her death wasn’t the first that I’d experience, but it was certainly the most monumental. To lose the ability to touch, talk, and be with my “Biba” shattered me to pieces. I couldn’t visit her in the hospital because we were in the midst of a pandemic. I had to tend to my classes to avoid academic failure, take care of those under my care, and remember to keep God in the middle of it all. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to do in my life.
But as the anniversary of my Biba’s death approaches, I’d like to offer a few words of wisdom for anyone who’s experienced this or will someday. Even though death hurts and grieving is a process, there’s a God who longs to show you His infinite love and grace for all your days.
WAVES OF EMOTION
I often think of joy and sorrow as two seperate and disconnected emotions. One emotion that I love experiencing and the other I run away from at all costs. Yet within those thoughts are the lies that I believed. I think of sadness and sorrow as something to escape rather than an emotion given by God for the purpose of growing so that I can be formed to look more like Jesus. Emotions aren’t bad, they’re given to us by God as a way to indicate where the state of our life may be. Emotions are not the primary indicator of our life or soul, but they can definitely be of aid to us. But, I forget this often.
Some days I would feel guilty for not feeling sad or thinking of her constantly. On other days it would feel as though I was drowning in the ocean with no sign of escape. But underneath my breath in the middle moments of the day, I would pray a prayer that went something like this, “Jesus, please be near.” It was all I could muster in my weakness, and somehow it was the prayer that would grant me the strength needed exactly for that day and in that moment because of the grace of God shining through in the ordinary parts of life.
THERE’S NO RIGHT WAY
The past year in terms of grieving was fairly sporadic for me. There would be no pattern for what would cause tears to stream, or for me to remain calm even when the mention of her name was brought up. I just took whatever would come, day by day, one step at a time. Yet the most interesting thing was looking at how different members of my family would respond to the sorrow within them. Some would function as if it were a normal day, others would speak of them remembering the cherished stories they could hold on to, others would weep during momentous occasions and wait for months till the next tears to shed, and then some like me who would cry weekly or biweekly (I promise I’m masculine).
My initial thought was that everyone should grieve and show tears if they were really mourning a loss, but as I started expressing this to another family member, I was quickly given wisdom that was much needed. I was told that everyone will grieve differently because we are all made by God uniquely with different temperaments and ways of emoting. This is a part of the beauty of what it means to be made in the image of God, that we will all show our vulnerability and weaknesses in different ways that allows for God to be our ultimate strength.
LASTING HOPE
The hardest thing to remember in the midst of grieving was hope. Hope that the pain I was experiencing would one day stop, hope that I would see a purpose for this pain, and hope that I wouldn’t forget the goodness of God in the middle of it all. The one thing that grounded me then and still to this day is remembering that God is trinity. I know, sounds weird, but stick with me.
It was the most comforting thing in the world to know that I had a Father who didn’t just love me, but liked me. A Father capable of speaking the world into motion and providing it abundant life rich with animals, forest, and oceans as far as the eye could see.
My heart sung when I remembered that there was a God who took on flesh, lived a life just like me, and died a death that I deserved. Not because I was put together or morally good, but because of His desire to redeem, renew, and have me become reborn into a person with new wants and longings that mirrored the heart of God. What a friend we have in Jesus.
To know and experience the presence of God isn’t just with me, but in me is delight. The same Spirit that perfected the world (Genesis 1:1), the same Spirit that resided in the temple (Leviticus 26), and the same Spirit that empowered Jesus to fulfill His ministry is the same Spirit that lives in me. The Spirit guides and transforms us to become more like Jesus, to understand the scripture, and grants us wisdom that can only be mastered through time spent with God. The Spirit of God is the lifeline of each and every believer.
It was God who was the person sustaining me day by day and minute by minute, and who continues even in this very moment by giving breath to my lungs, beauty to gaze, His word to enjoy, and Himself to be made the center of my entire being. God is my hope in all because He is the only thing worth praising, loving, and adoring for all of my life because of what He has said and done on the cross.
PRAYER
God, help me to remember you everyday. To remember your tenderness when the harshness of life sweeps me away. Help me to run to you when I doubt that you’ve been good to me. Remind me to love who you are and not just what you give. Allow me to grow through the emotions that I’ll experience while grieving. But most of all, may you be the one person I return to at the end of each day because you are a God who loves me with perfect grace. In your name I pray, amen.