A Weak Soul
Weak has been the only way I’ve known how to describe myself as of recently. My mind is cloudy, my soul is heavy, and the everyday moments of life tend to take a bigger toll on me, and I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s from working two jobs, maybe it’s from being fearful of the future, I’m just not sure. Yet one of the gifts of knowing I’m weak is witnessing the strength of God all around me.
Seeing God uphold the world is one of the most humbling things. Witnessing God give breath to the animals, give life to the plants, allow beauty to thrive in nature, and let His people live with dignity and value is simply wonderful. While this doesn’t cure my frailty or weakness at the moment, it does allow me to see that even when I don’t feel God moving in my life, it doesn’t mean He’s not active in this divinely created world. May my story of weakness allow you to see the strength of God and set you on a path towards loving Him and the world around you.
MY SOUL
Typically, I’ve known how to get myself out of a rut if I felt far from God. It went something like this: pray in the morning, read my Bible, read a few books, pray again, try to remember what I read, and have fun in the process while enjoying God’s gracious gifts. Typically it would work and I knew how to keep this up fairly consistently, while failing to realize that I had made God and enjoyment of Him into an equation.
Things began to change the more difficult and complex life became. The busyness of life took more of my time, encounters with loved ones were few and far between each passing week, trials came that tested the soul, which became tired. I plugged the routine in like I always had before and nothing happened. Not a shred of joy is found, no new revelations from God come (like they ever did before), and I’m lost because this is all I ever knew to do.
So life within the past few months has been a bit of a whirlwind. Trying out new spiritual disciplines and practices of enjoyment has been delightful. Some have stuck and some haven’t, but finding God within it all has been beautiful.
I still struggle with feelings of loss, anxiety, and uncertainty because of hardships, but knowing God is with me, not because I hold fast to Him but because He holds fast to me, has been my greatest comfort.
My weakness has shown me one of the greatest gifts of all, dependence on God. It hasn’t, nor will it ever be, my own strength that lifts me in the dark night of the soul, it’s the beauty and strength of God that will sustain and lift my soul like no other. It’s God’s strength that I stand on, it’s God’s light that I gaze upon, and it’s God’s grace that I live on for all of my days.
MY HEART
The connection between the heart and soul will always be intertwined. As the state of my soul weakens, so does my heart.
With my soul reaching out for anything and everything to find any morsel of joy in my life, my heart would follow the same pattern. I became attached to a certain type of lifestyle and would protect it at all cost. In my eyes, the loss or interference of my kind of lifestyle would directly affect the amount of joy I was able to have within my days. In other words, I began to love the gifts of God more than God himself.
Did I mean for this to happen? Of course not. No one ever does, but nevertheless, it happened. Not because I didn’t go to trusted friends who knew my soul (which I did), not because I didn’t try to be a disciplined person (which I still kinda was), it was simply due to me not seeing that God was better than whatever was before my eyes. It was only through me finally catching a glimpse of my own heart in the mirror that I truly began to see that I was far from God.
So I began to ask those closest to me what they saw in me and what they would describe my character as. Some good, some not so good, but all for my growth. It was only through dissecting the interior parts of my heart and character that I was able to actually get out of the rut I had found myself in.
It’s possible that you’re in a similar place. You feel far from God, you don’t have the joy that you once had, and you long to be where you once were. Remember this, God is near. God is present with you and pressing you forward to live in His joy and presence. Because it’s in the moments of complete surrender and need that God shines most brightly.
PRAYER
God, please help me. Would you come near when you seem far? Would your love meet me in the small moments of my life that show me you truly do care? Will you remind me that even when I’m falling away, your love remains close and follows me for all of my days because you’re a God who remains faithful? God, please be near. In your holy name, amen.